People Pleasing is a Great Thing, as Long as You’re One of the People.

People pleasing gets a pretty bad rap these days. It’s often framed as something we need to fix, unlearn, or outgrow — especially in leadership and personal development circles.

And honestly? That’s always confused me a bit. Because my people-pleasing side has often worked for me.

It’s helped me build strong relationships.
It’s made me likeable and easy to work with.
It’s made me attentive, thoughtful, and tuned in to others.
It’s even supported my wellbeing (hello, #scienceofkindness).

For most of my life, people pleasing hasn’t been a flaw. It’s been a strength.

Why People Pleasing Gets a Bad Reputation

I think people pleasing gets labelled as ‘bad’ because it’s often associated with burnout, resentment, and exhaustion. But caring about people is the problem, quite the opposite. The real issue shows up when we accidentally remove ourselves from the list of people who matter.

The tipping point…

When people pleasing turns into self-neglect.
When kindness becomes depletion.
When being ‘easy to work with’ starts costing more than it should.

And this is where things get especially relevant for leaders.

The Leadership Cost of Self-Neglect

In leadership roles, people pleasing often shows up as empathy, collaboration, emotional intelligence, and care.

These aren’t weaknesses, not for a minute. They are essential leadership skills.

But when leaders consistently put everyone else first — their team, their clients, their organisation — without extending the same care to themselves, the cost becomes real. Energy drains, boundaries blur, decision-making gets harder (or avoided), and even the most generous leaders start running on empty.

Leaders who look after everyone except themselves can’t stay generous for long.

Keeping the Strength, Losing the Burnout

So these days, I’m not trying to eliminate my people-pleasing side.

At the risk of sounding boastful, it’s something I actually love about myself.

I like that I care.
I like that I notice people.
I like that kindness comes naturally.

What I’m learning to do instead is aim it better. To keep the people skills, the care, and consideration. But to include myself in the equation.

A Reframe for Fellow People Pleasers

If you consider yourself a people pleaser, here’s my gentle reframe: Don’t take the whole ‘people pleasing is a terrible thing’ message too literally. If you’re like me, it may be one of the best parts of you. Just make sure you don’t forget about you.

Because people pleasing is a great thing, as long as you’re one of the people.